


these things are clear to all from time to time

by klarriel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, dean finally manages to speak one word of his feelings, despair on dean's part, this is how i am going to leave the spn fandom, this is not a fix it in any sense of the word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:33:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29879808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klarriel/pseuds/klarriel
Summary: it's when he's clearing out dean's things that sam hears the crinkle of paper in the breast pocket of dean's jacket-in which dean writes cas a letter
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 49





	these things are clear to all from time to time

**Author's Note:**

> "if there's anything that you need, you can find me inside, with love from me to you" - babak ganjei

_Cas_

_It’s been four months now since you left_

_I keep playing that moment over and over again in my head. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop seeing it. I guess something like the Empty isn’t that forgettable, but the look on your face is what I wake up to, shouting._

_The nightmares keep coming. That’s the whole reason Sam told me to write this fucking letter. He tried to convince me to see a therapist, but you know shrinks were never my thing. So I promised him I’d at least try and get it all out by writing it down. I’m not sure if it’s helping._

_Sam’s doing okay. Once Eileen and everyone else came back, and he could be sure I was alright, the two of them locked themselves away in the other side of the bunker for a couple days. All things considered, when he came out, he was the happiest I’d seen him in a long time. He misses you though._

_~~Not a lot happened since you left. Just stopped the end of the universe, defeated Chuck and brought everyone back to life. Am I using humour to deflect from talking about how I feel? Probably.~~ ~~~~_

_Got a dog after you left. I think you two would get along just fine._

_We couldn’t have done it without you man. What you did, ~~I didn’t deserve it~~ it wasn’t your sacrifice to make. We should’ve worked it out. I should’ve worked it out. _

_I’m sorry. For everything. All the times I kicked you out, didn’t trust you, didn’t listen. You were our family. You gave up so much for us._

_I’m trying to live like the person you thought I was, but it’s hard Cas. Everything's so quiet now. I don't really know what to do with myself. Things are starting to get a bit easier though. Not sure if I’ll ever be able to give up on hunting, but I’m sick of living a life filled with hate and destruction. I guess it's like you said, that’s not me. Maybe I’ll fill out a real, average Joe job application one of these days._

_The things you said before you left_

_~~I want~~ _

_~~I’m gonna regret how~~ _

_I don’t think you realise how much you meant ~~to all of us~~ to me. Ever since you pulled me out of Hell, I can’t count the number of times I needed you, and you were there for me. The shit we went through and came out the other side of, together. How much I worried about you. How much I missed you when you were gone. You realise the last time you went to the Empty, I acted like your grieving wife, right? Not my proudest moment. _

_I feel like I’m going through the same motions, but nothing feels right now you’re gone_

_I’m tired and angry all the time_

_I play it over and over in my head what I should have said to you before it took you, all the things I’ve ~~felt~~ wanted to say for a long time. I regret not trying to stop you. ~~I regret not telling you~~ _

_After all these years, I never knew you could love like that. I didn’t know I could either. I guess we just got our timing wrong._

_Wherever you are, know I’ll be thinking of you._

_I love you._

_Yours (because you always had me),_

_Dean_

_-_

_P.S - Miracle licked the page, consider that a lot of love from him too_

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> so sorry
> 
> title from: the rain song - led zeppelin


End file.
